the most basic Me
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Thoughts for the day
For a month or so, I've been enamoured with yahoo chat. I won't mention the type of rooms I frequent because this isn't that sort of blog, but suffice to say, I meet some interesting people, few of which I choose to interact with longer term (and no, I don't mean I cyber sex). Awhile ago, I met a man that is fun to talk to and I was chatting with him almost daily. Its a weird acquaintanceship as this guy originally was interested in me as a conquest, but I made it clear I'm in love and that's not what I was looking for and we went from there. After we had talked for a week or so, the guy mentioned his wife. Turns out, the guy is unabashedly married-he "loves" his wife and is staying with her, but he has been having affairs for 11 years now. When one is over, he sets about finding a new Mistress. He has "needs" his wife doesn't meet--he tried to discuss it and they ended up almost divorced and in councilling and then he was "cured"--which means he does it in secret now.
At first, this information was just sort of an aside...it isn't as if I'm having or interested in having and affair and I'm not cybering with this guy. As I've gotten to know the guy, I've learned more about him and his wife. The whole situation is so weird and sad and, in some twisted way, interesting in a psychological sense. I don't know why the fact of this guy chronically cheating on his wife didn't really bother me much in the beginning, but talking with him today, he off-handedly mentioned a brief phone/online cyber relationship that abruptly ended. Reading it, thinking about it just sickened me. It isn't as if I am a prude that imagines monogamous relationships for all, but it is the idea of the continual deception and cheating--I feel for his wife--the embarrassment, the indignity if she knew the extent of his lies. And I felt myself suddenly sickened and cheapened by my "friendship" with the man. Why am I associating with this person? What could it gain me? Other than some sort of taint on my soul, a twisting of karma--mellow dramatic wording but true. I think I told myself that because I am open with my disaproval of his cheating that somehow made it ok, but I am thinking it isn't.
What is it about some people that makes them enter into committed relationships with people and then cheat? I am a cheater--I've cheated on boyfriends...but I found a man that was more open about sexual relationships and married him. I made the decision to accept what I was and never hurt someone by secretly cheating. As it turns out, given the option of an open relationship, I find I don't need to stray...and if I did have some overwhelming need to have sex with another man or women...I'd just tell him. The worst thing I can imagine is dishonesty in our relationship...I wouldn't care if my husband slept with another woman, but to find out that he was lying and carrying on an affair, I'd be devestated.
But this guy, even when confronted and asked about the oddness of compartmentalizing and doing this--he doesn't see it. He's managed to make it "ok" in his mind, to the point that he offers advice to me about my husband, not understanding that despite his greater years in marriage, my husband and I have a totally different relationship--one I think is beyond his imagination. I don't think you can live in deception for that many years and not be warped.
¶ 1:46 PM 0 comments
For a month or so, I've been enamoured with yahoo chat. I won't mention the type of rooms I frequent because this isn't that sort of blog, but suffice to say, I meet some interesting people, few of which I choose to interact with longer term (and no, I don't mean I cyber sex). Awhile ago, I met a man that is fun to talk to and I was chatting with him almost daily. Its a weird acquaintanceship as this guy originally was interested in me as a conquest, but I made it clear I'm in love and that's not what I was looking for and we went from there. After we had talked for a week or so, the guy mentioned his wife. Turns out, the guy is unabashedly married-he "loves" his wife and is staying with her, but he has been having affairs for 11 years now. When one is over, he sets about finding a new Mistress. He has "needs" his wife doesn't meet--he tried to discuss it and they ended up almost divorced and in councilling and then he was "cured"--which means he does it in secret now.
At first, this information was just sort of an aside...it isn't as if I'm having or interested in having and affair and I'm not cybering with this guy. As I've gotten to know the guy, I've learned more about him and his wife. The whole situation is so weird and sad and, in some twisted way, interesting in a psychological sense. I don't know why the fact of this guy chronically cheating on his wife didn't really bother me much in the beginning, but talking with him today, he off-handedly mentioned a brief phone/online cyber relationship that abruptly ended. Reading it, thinking about it just sickened me. It isn't as if I am a prude that imagines monogamous relationships for all, but it is the idea of the continual deception and cheating--I feel for his wife--the embarrassment, the indignity if she knew the extent of his lies. And I felt myself suddenly sickened and cheapened by my "friendship" with the man. Why am I associating with this person? What could it gain me? Other than some sort of taint on my soul, a twisting of karma--mellow dramatic wording but true. I think I told myself that because I am open with my disaproval of his cheating that somehow made it ok, but I am thinking it isn't.
What is it about some people that makes them enter into committed relationships with people and then cheat? I am a cheater--I've cheated on boyfriends...but I found a man that was more open about sexual relationships and married him. I made the decision to accept what I was and never hurt someone by secretly cheating. As it turns out, given the option of an open relationship, I find I don't need to stray...and if I did have some overwhelming need to have sex with another man or women...I'd just tell him. The worst thing I can imagine is dishonesty in our relationship...I wouldn't care if my husband slept with another woman, but to find out that he was lying and carrying on an affair, I'd be devestated.
But this guy, even when confronted and asked about the oddness of compartmentalizing and doing this--he doesn't see it. He's managed to make it "ok" in his mind, to the point that he offers advice to me about my husband, not understanding that despite his greater years in marriage, my husband and I have a totally different relationship--one I think is beyond his imagination. I don't think you can live in deception for that many years and not be warped.
¶ 1:46 PM 0 comments
Monday, July 19, 2004
I do not really feel like writing today, but I have to get back in the habit. things are progressing with the house...we had the realtor come over on Saturday and she evaluated how much we need to do before listing the house. She said the upstairs looked really good and would show well, the yard and the downstairs are the biggies. We must get the yard tidied up as that is a huge thing with showing hte house. We went round and round about the carpet--she wants us to replace it, we don't really want to. Her numbers she threw out about the differences were a bit confusing.
The house isn't going to list as high as I thought, which isn't the end of the world. It is just scary thinking about taking off to live on an amount that basically is one current years salary! I have to keep in mind though that our living expenses will be minimal and little to no taxes! We can also/will also be working a bit and if all else fails, we can just work more or sooner! I had worked myself into a weird mental place, annoyed that we were only going to make a profit of around 80K...then I realized that it was more like 135K, but you have to take the new truck and other debts out of that amount. Not a bad investment. Greg also pointed out that we don't need a downpayment to buy another house and remodel--because of the VA loan. I kept thinking we needed a downpayment plus money to remodel, but we don't.
Huge changes in life are never easy. They are always scary. Once I see our RV, it'll seem much more like home instead of that we are leaving home.
I'm finally coming off my "need a baby" kick. I am so sad because my friend M had a miscarriage last week. She was 13.5 weeks. You just don't expect to have a m/c that late. Its horrible. I totally cried after I got off the phone with her, I am just so sad. It seems awful to say, but in some way, her having a m/c makes my own seem much less of a thing...I barely even saw a positive test, she was through the whole first trimester. I had this weird feeling of guilt--as if because I had a miscarriage, it actually caused hers. We were both pregnant at the same time last time and have babies two weeks apart. It was weird to me that she was going to have a second baby and I wasn't...and now neither of us will have a second right now.
¶ 2:23 PM 0 comments
The house isn't going to list as high as I thought, which isn't the end of the world. It is just scary thinking about taking off to live on an amount that basically is one current years salary! I have to keep in mind though that our living expenses will be minimal and little to no taxes! We can also/will also be working a bit and if all else fails, we can just work more or sooner! I had worked myself into a weird mental place, annoyed that we were only going to make a profit of around 80K...then I realized that it was more like 135K, but you have to take the new truck and other debts out of that amount. Not a bad investment. Greg also pointed out that we don't need a downpayment to buy another house and remodel--because of the VA loan. I kept thinking we needed a downpayment plus money to remodel, but we don't.
Huge changes in life are never easy. They are always scary. Once I see our RV, it'll seem much more like home instead of that we are leaving home.
I'm finally coming off my "need a baby" kick. I am so sad because my friend M had a miscarriage last week. She was 13.5 weeks. You just don't expect to have a m/c that late. Its horrible. I totally cried after I got off the phone with her, I am just so sad. It seems awful to say, but in some way, her having a m/c makes my own seem much less of a thing...I barely even saw a positive test, she was through the whole first trimester. I had this weird feeling of guilt--as if because I had a miscarriage, it actually caused hers. We were both pregnant at the same time last time and have babies two weeks apart. It was weird to me that she was going to have a second baby and I wasn't...and now neither of us will have a second right now.
¶ 2:23 PM 0 comments
