This morning I've been wondering if everyone walks around with an almost manic sense of needing to improve themselves. Obviously, not "everyone" does anything, but do a lot of people? I was thinking about it yesterday and I can't remember ever not having this drive. Not that it helps me achieve perfection :) Depression often sucks the action out of my mental drive. I was looking around the kitchen and it is just trashed. My mind immediately spun into a well-worn groove--we live like pigs, if this bothers me I need to fix it--and suddenly, I drifted. Does Greg even feel the same sense of panic and need to have this place looking nicer? I know he likes nice things, but that isn't the same as wanting to achieve it himself. I did notice that he has taken the new kitchen faucet out of the box and layed it out and is mowing through the huge pile of laundry in the garage, maybe we are just on different timelines and priorities.

But what underlies the "paniciky" part of this drive? If I got rid of the mental treadmill, would I still work to improve myself? Last night, I couldn't get to sleep because I was worried about the snakes having water. My mind worried at it in circles until I got up and fed all the spiders and watered the snakes. I wonder--is that worry mill the drive that gets things done, or is it often counter-productive leading me to lose sleep and just get so overwhelmed that I get nothing done?

A friend of mine just got back from a 6 month trip to Mexico and surrounding countries. She lived out of a backpack for the entire time. She just moved into an apartment in San Francisco and I was up there for a visit. Her belongings are paired down to practically nothing. When I see people living like this, I think...that's for me. I want to scrape off all the excess. But when I look at the actually STUFF in front of me, the idea of getting rid of things is too hard. Should I sell the green china mask my mother bought for me on a trip to San Francisco? Extra pots and pans are one thing, but memories are something else.
  ¶ 8:58 AM 0 comments

  My dad sent us a dvd with photos of Phoebe from his December trip here. Looking at the photos, I am just in awe that we have such a beautiful baby girl. She is just amazing. She has started to wave now and she's been pointing at things for weeks. Anything that catches her eye, she points at it and then looks at me as if to say, "do you see that too?" She is so close to crawling and she butt scoots all over and climbs right up on me if she wants something. Last night, I was eating dinner in front of her and she looked at me in amazement--why wasn't SHE getting food? She ended up biting off part of the broccoli that I had given her, too big a bite and I had to take it away--what a fit! I tried giving her a taste of pork to calm her and she loved it. The future is people food. But for now, she still has great need for mommy's milk :)

  ¶ 7:13 AM 0 comments

  Ah, new day and I am feeling so much better. I got a full nights sleep last night with minimal waking to nurse and let dogs in and out. I was even able to get back to sleep after the 3:30 feeding when my mind started spiraling down the "what I haven't done that I should" path.

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of the night and my mind fixes on problems like a rabid dog and won't let go.
The other night it was the new washer I bought. Our washer started leaking (hey, when you can get 4 years use out of a $30 washer, I say go for it!) and I went and bought a new one. At 2AM I realized that a top of the line front loader was overkill and decided that I'd feel better if I returned it and did some more bargin shopping. Fine, that was decided--but my mind wouldn't let it go. I ended up getting up and crocheting for a couple hours before finally going back to sleep.

I'm up at 5AM today. When I can do it, I'm starting to love the early morning hours. It cracks me up to think of me as an "early riser" but here I am. I love the quiet of the pre-dawn, the promise of sunrise. I love the smell of early morning. Later in the day, you can't smell the season, but morning doesn't lie. In the fall, California smells so heavenly--the scent of going to rest, cleaning up for a new year, the promise of rain for water-starved soil and trees. Winter brings fog and fallen leaves, damp--snuggling in warm blankets against the chill that doesn't normally turn to true cold in the Central Valley. Rare mornings bring the sharp, dry sting of frost to my nose, a white spinkle glittering on the grass and roof tops to my eyes. Spring brings falls promise of renewal to life, you can smell the buds bursting, the soil warming and grass coming to life again. In the summer, you can guess the days temperature by scent, the cool air in your nose telling you of heat, hot and more heat to come later in the day, the too-blue sky can't hold night's cool against the coming sun.
  ¶ 6:09 AM 0 comments

  Egads, I came here to write a new entry and to be perfectly honest, mostly it is going to bitch about my husband--and then I read the last thing I wrote. That scares me--that I have held such anger for so long. Things have gotten much better since I wrote the last entry--I was totally depressed after my uncle died and I ended up going to the doctor and almost starting counselling, but through that process of starting to talk about it more with G and others, I started to feel normal again. I actually felt happy again and more myself. Work started going much better.

I had a good holiday season, but it wore me out. I realized that I haven't given myself a break since having Phoebe. What a year--my sister died, I got pregnant, had a baby, lost my uncle, lost my job (well, got demoted and quit), found a new, better job, and entered total depression.

During this last 5 days off, I went to San Fran for the gathering of the gals--we may have an official group name soon. Amel brought up the idea of making our group friendship an "official" thing, where we get together as families at least twice a year forever basically. Instead of just us gals, it will include our families as we all get married and have babies. I wasn't able to go to the gathering by myself and stay the whole time. The entire idea was just too stressful. We normally meet, go to dinner, go dancing, bring in the dawn practically, go out for b-fast and then drive home. I can't leave Phoebe all night yet because I'm still nursing and she gets most of her milk at night. I couldn't even begin to think about pumping enough to leave for her and I didn't want to take days off to get a break and end it by getting hungover and tired. Luckily, the girls didn't mind me bringing baby and husband along and I was able to participate in dinner and present exchange. It is so amazing to be part of the group. I laugh, thinking what a rocky beginning I had with the group--mentally, not them. I have never been good at group-gal relationships--I'm more a one-on-one friend. I get stressed about the social dynamics. True to form, I started with this group as friends with one of the women--we all were outdoor guides in the same program and as she became friends with an extended group, I was invited to some of their get togethers. At the time, I was the only married one--M was too, but she was separated. Therefore, they met and I often wasn't invited because they thought I'd be busy, too far away etc. I got totally freaked that they didn't like me, etc etc. I finally just chilled about it and its been great since.

When you get older and married, friendship just isn't as easy as it used to be. You aren't forced into social situations at school, you get involved with your husband and kids, you move. You have to make a real effort to maintain friendships. And honestly, I'm not into chatting on the phone for hours and revealing ever detail of my day like I was as a child, so the level of sharing has to change and evolve into an adult relationship. I struggle with this sometimes because I am often very introverted and don't want people over--but then I get lonely--you simply can't get everything you need from one person. I have to work at remembering to maintain friends and call them. One of my goals for this year is to be better at this--set up more social interactions--go shopping, go out, have people over. Lord knows G needs it too. He's getting totally socially deprived being at home with Phoebe all the time.

Which, I brings me to the meat of what I should be writing about and am avoiding--G and me. I honestly don't know how two people can be so on the same page and happy most of the time, yet still have such deep problems too. Maybe its just a matter of letting things go without ever addressing them. I'm tired of not talking about this to anyone, tired of being ashamed and keeping secrets. I was thinking last night about our apartments and house--how we always have one or more rooms that we just don't use--they gather dust and detritus of our lives and we hardly ever go in there. Every once in awhile, we make an effort to clean them out, use the room--but soon its back to its dusty, unused state. I read a book one time that said that the status of your house (office/car) reflects your mental state and that sometimes cleaning out the physical can affect the mental--for example, if you always have dirty windows, you may be blocking things and not seeing clearly. Cleaning the windows can open you eyes in more ways than one. I thought about what this means, G and I always having dirty, unused rooms. I know what it means to me--we have unspoken secrets. Things I don't share with anyone.

I think I'm ready to be done with that. I think I'm ready to open up everything to the light. If its right--should I be ashamed? NO. I want to take the room, replace the carpet, paint the walls and put a comfy chair in there. I want to have a shine in there and mediatate and use the room and fill it with love.
  ¶ 1:01 PM 0 comments