Saturday, January 10, 2004
This morning I've been wondering if everyone walks around with an almost manic sense of needing to improve themselves. Obviously, not "everyone" does anything, but do a lot of people? I was thinking about it yesterday and I can't remember ever not having this drive. Not that it helps me achieve perfection :) Depression often sucks the action out of my mental drive. I was looking around the kitchen and it is just trashed. My mind immediately spun into a well-worn groove--we live like pigs, if this bothers me I need to fix it--and suddenly, I drifted. Does Greg even feel the same sense of panic and need to have this place looking nicer? I know he likes nice things, but that isn't the same as wanting to achieve it himself. I did notice that he has taken the new kitchen faucet out of the box and layed it out and is mowing through the huge pile of laundry in the garage, maybe we are just on different timelines and priorities.
But what underlies the "paniciky" part of this drive? If I got rid of the mental treadmill, would I still work to improve myself? Last night, I couldn't get to sleep because I was worried about the snakes having water. My mind worried at it in circles until I got up and fed all the spiders and watered the snakes. I wonder--is that worry mill the drive that gets things done, or is it often counter-productive leading me to lose sleep and just get so overwhelmed that I get nothing done?
A friend of mine just got back from a 6 month trip to Mexico and surrounding countries. She lived out of a backpack for the entire time. She just moved into an apartment in San Francisco and I was up there for a visit. Her belongings are paired down to practically nothing. When I see people living like this, I think...that's for me. I want to scrape off all the excess. But when I look at the actually STUFF in front of me, the idea of getting rid of things is too hard. Should I sell the green china mask my mother bought for me on a trip to San Francisco? Extra pots and pans are one thing, but memories are something else.
¶ 8:58 AM
But what underlies the "paniciky" part of this drive? If I got rid of the mental treadmill, would I still work to improve myself? Last night, I couldn't get to sleep because I was worried about the snakes having water. My mind worried at it in circles until I got up and fed all the spiders and watered the snakes. I wonder--is that worry mill the drive that gets things done, or is it often counter-productive leading me to lose sleep and just get so overwhelmed that I get nothing done?
A friend of mine just got back from a 6 month trip to Mexico and surrounding countries. She lived out of a backpack for the entire time. She just moved into an apartment in San Francisco and I was up there for a visit. Her belongings are paired down to practically nothing. When I see people living like this, I think...that's for me. I want to scrape off all the excess. But when I look at the actually STUFF in front of me, the idea of getting rid of things is too hard. Should I sell the green china mask my mother bought for me on a trip to San Francisco? Extra pots and pans are one thing, but memories are something else.
¶ 8:58 AM
