the most basic Me
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Ok. I KNOW I'm trying to learn not to bitch and complain and criticize, but C is driving me NUTS today. first, she's just in a talkative mood. That entails scooching her chair backwards at random intervals to tell me what she would like to eat, but of course can't due to gall bladder condition. Endless lists of pizza, chocolate, and fatty food items. Then there's the humming Christian tunes. The humming is bad enough, but the constant "I'm a good Christian" add-on is making it unbearable. The woman constantly says, "Frick" this, "frick" that--no, literally, she says "frick" not "fuck", but please, you don't just avoid cursing by replacing the word with something else and still cursing. I finally give in and ask her to please stop humming and two minutes later she yells to M and N, "you all--we HAVE to stop singing, its driving THERESA crazy!!" No, SHE is driving me crazy.
Actually, writing this makes me feel way better. I'm starting to see the humor again :) After all, I have stopped work anyway and am writing in my journal! I was looking at my other journals on this site and starting reading my writing journal. Its a private journal that I use to save story ideas. Back in 2001, I used it to track my thoughts on nanowrimo (a writing challenge). I read one of my posts that was basically a sit-down-and-write without editing story start. I was just blown away by how different it is from my recent writing style. It was so raw--so fictional. It was like I just opened some vein of fiction in my head somewhere and tapped into something raw. I remember the story idea now--it was going to be this really hard character, a woman that was really jaded about life and love. She was just going to leave her current existence and go travelling (LOL--oops, that sounds eerily familiar)-well, she was going to go on an adventure but eventually find out she was already dead. 'course, later I read that is an over-used literary tool or plot or something, but regardless--here is the section (WARNING--bad language and sexual content ;)....
the cursor blinks. The cursor was clinking. It blinked. The cursor will blink. The cursor will be blinking.
The cursor would be blinking regardless of whether I know how to conjugate the verb “to be”. Fuckin A. The damn screen is almost blank and I have a frickin cursor after image tattoed on my retina.
I am so bored. I have to get out of here. Screw this job. Screw my life right now period. This family I work for define the dysfunctional. Look in the dictionary--right after the word dysfunctional it says: 1) Family Littleman. 2) abnormal, impaired, or incomplete functioning. I know, that lines been done before. I’m not very original.
I mean what type of person re-cleans their own forks when they get them out of the drawer in the kitchen. Who hands memos to their employees requiring them to carry around their own pens so that germs aren’t spread throughout the office by communal use of office equipment? I’ve found the mom bleaching all the phone receivers and computer keyboards early in the morning. they drive me nuts. I was sick two days in a row and mr. Albino Troll boss man called me into his office and asked me if I’d been eating out a lot.
I cleverly responded, “huh?”
“have you been eating out a lot.” he repeats.
“why do you want to know that?”
“Because you know, eating out exposed you to a lot of germs, ” he replies.
I’m telling you--these people are nuts. Jay, the son, told me once that his dad used to leave them sitting in the car on the side of the road and disappear for hours looking for plants. There they were: the image of a happy little family on vacation--Mom with her permed hairdo, John Jr (Jay) in a little collared shirt, spoiled younger brother carefully making spit wads and trying to move the “center” marker without Jay seeing him. And Dad, seeing a red speck on the horizon screeching the car to a halt and abandoning them in a little sweat box to hunt for plants. Egads.
They are also entirely clueless. If they knew even a quarter of what went through my head they’d never allow me in the building. Christian freaks. God, I want a cigarette. Or a joint. A joint would be better. Glass of scotch, neat: devine.
[smile]
yes, that got me out of this funk for a second. thinking of jennifer. Jenny. sunshine. Rusty was an idiot to introduce us. He should know he can’t compete against a woman. We took one look at each other and he was an “ex”. Not like she liked him for anything but his money anyway. “Sunshine” is an exotic dancer--polite way of saying stripper. she works in a little dive strip club on Stockton Street. Dump. I’ve no idea how I ended up there. Had never gone into one of those places. I about lost it as soon as I walked in and I saw all the woman walking around in lingerie and heels so tall they were tripping over their own feet.
One little asian woman almost fell on my lap as she minced past. Not that I would have minded having her in my lap too much, but it embarrassed me to see them all strapped into those contraptions--reminded me of foot binding. Rusty is an acquaintance (ie we’ve only slept together a couple times). Fuckwittage central to borrow from Bridget Jones. Rusty has a raging hard on for Sunshine and pays half her rent every month is lap dance fees. Sunshine lit up when she saw Rusty, her eyes hardened when she saw me at first--dollar sign droop, I think--Rusty w/chick equals less money for Sunshine. One smile from me though and that look was gone.
I love it when it clicks and women size one another up correctly in a glance. Sunshine knew in one glance that not only would she have someone warm and female in her bed that night, but that I’d help her get even more money outta Rusty too--hey, don’t look at me. Rusty’s worldwise, if he wants to live in a fantasy world, far be it from me to pry his eyes open.
God you should see that girl dance. What the hell am I doing though anyway. Work...blah.
I have to get out of here, I can’t stand it. Why shouldn’t I leave? Bills--ha! I keep thinking, I just deposited a paycheck. If I didn’t pay any bills and just took off, how far could I get on that money? Hell, truth be told. I still have most of last paycheck left. Rent is late. That is two paychecks worth of distance.
I should do it. Just go. Why not?
And she did.
¶ 4:15 PM 0 comments
Actually, writing this makes me feel way better. I'm starting to see the humor again :) After all, I have stopped work anyway and am writing in my journal! I was looking at my other journals on this site and starting reading my writing journal. Its a private journal that I use to save story ideas. Back in 2001, I used it to track my thoughts on nanowrimo (a writing challenge). I read one of my posts that was basically a sit-down-and-write without editing story start. I was just blown away by how different it is from my recent writing style. It was so raw--so fictional. It was like I just opened some vein of fiction in my head somewhere and tapped into something raw. I remember the story idea now--it was going to be this really hard character, a woman that was really jaded about life and love. She was just going to leave her current existence and go travelling (LOL--oops, that sounds eerily familiar)-well, she was going to go on an adventure but eventually find out she was already dead. 'course, later I read that is an over-used literary tool or plot or something, but regardless--here is the section (WARNING--bad language and sexual content ;)....
the cursor blinks. The cursor was clinking. It blinked. The cursor will blink. The cursor will be blinking.
The cursor would be blinking regardless of whether I know how to conjugate the verb “to be”. Fuckin A. The damn screen is almost blank and I have a frickin cursor after image tattoed on my retina.
I am so bored. I have to get out of here. Screw this job. Screw my life right now period. This family I work for define the dysfunctional. Look in the dictionary--right after the word dysfunctional it says: 1) Family Littleman. 2) abnormal, impaired, or incomplete functioning. I know, that lines been done before. I’m not very original.
I mean what type of person re-cleans their own forks when they get them out of the drawer in the kitchen. Who hands memos to their employees requiring them to carry around their own pens so that germs aren’t spread throughout the office by communal use of office equipment? I’ve found the mom bleaching all the phone receivers and computer keyboards early in the morning. they drive me nuts. I was sick two days in a row and mr. Albino Troll boss man called me into his office and asked me if I’d been eating out a lot.
I cleverly responded, “huh?”
“have you been eating out a lot.” he repeats.
“why do you want to know that?”
“Because you know, eating out exposed you to a lot of germs, ” he replies.
I’m telling you--these people are nuts. Jay, the son, told me once that his dad used to leave them sitting in the car on the side of the road and disappear for hours looking for plants. There they were: the image of a happy little family on vacation--Mom with her permed hairdo, John Jr (Jay) in a little collared shirt, spoiled younger brother carefully making spit wads and trying to move the “center” marker without Jay seeing him. And Dad, seeing a red speck on the horizon screeching the car to a halt and abandoning them in a little sweat box to hunt for plants. Egads.
They are also entirely clueless. If they knew even a quarter of what went through my head they’d never allow me in the building. Christian freaks. God, I want a cigarette. Or a joint. A joint would be better. Glass of scotch, neat: devine.
[smile]
yes, that got me out of this funk for a second. thinking of jennifer. Jenny. sunshine. Rusty was an idiot to introduce us. He should know he can’t compete against a woman. We took one look at each other and he was an “ex”. Not like she liked him for anything but his money anyway. “Sunshine” is an exotic dancer--polite way of saying stripper. she works in a little dive strip club on Stockton Street. Dump. I’ve no idea how I ended up there. Had never gone into one of those places. I about lost it as soon as I walked in and I saw all the woman walking around in lingerie and heels so tall they were tripping over their own feet.
One little asian woman almost fell on my lap as she minced past. Not that I would have minded having her in my lap too much, but it embarrassed me to see them all strapped into those contraptions--reminded me of foot binding. Rusty is an acquaintance (ie we’ve only slept together a couple times). Fuckwittage central to borrow from Bridget Jones. Rusty has a raging hard on for Sunshine and pays half her rent every month is lap dance fees. Sunshine lit up when she saw Rusty, her eyes hardened when she saw me at first--dollar sign droop, I think--Rusty w/chick equals less money for Sunshine. One smile from me though and that look was gone.
I love it when it clicks and women size one another up correctly in a glance. Sunshine knew in one glance that not only would she have someone warm and female in her bed that night, but that I’d help her get even more money outta Rusty too--hey, don’t look at me. Rusty’s worldwise, if he wants to live in a fantasy world, far be it from me to pry his eyes open.
God you should see that girl dance. What the hell am I doing though anyway. Work...blah.
I have to get out of here, I can’t stand it. Why shouldn’t I leave? Bills--ha! I keep thinking, I just deposited a paycheck. If I didn’t pay any bills and just took off, how far could I get on that money? Hell, truth be told. I still have most of last paycheck left. Rent is late. That is two paychecks worth of distance.
I should do it. Just go. Why not?
And she did.
¶ 4:15 PM 0 comments
If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business because we'd be too cynical. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.
Ray Bradbury
Every night I sleep curled around my daughter. As I drift into sleep, the sensations that surround me are the feel and the scents of babyhood. The smell of her drifts against my nose: if its bath night, wafts of lavender-scent from her fuzzy head; if not, the scents of busy baby--most often the sweet smells of cracker-snacks and applesauce remaining on her hands and face despite the efforts of a warm washcloth clean-up. Her warm toes snuggle up in the fold between my stomach and legs and her chubby hands finally cease their ceaseless day movement to tuck against my breast and finally relax. These sensations--touch and smell--are prime, I rarely hear her quiet breathe and even at a year I still stop and reach for her, checking for the rise and fall of her chest, making sure she still breathes. We lay together, relaxed as a litter of puppies falling asleep in a pile on a soft bed.
¶ 9:20 AM 0 comments
Ray Bradbury
Every night I sleep curled around my daughter. As I drift into sleep, the sensations that surround me are the feel and the scents of babyhood. The smell of her drifts against my nose: if its bath night, wafts of lavender-scent from her fuzzy head; if not, the scents of busy baby--most often the sweet smells of cracker-snacks and applesauce remaining on her hands and face despite the efforts of a warm washcloth clean-up. Her warm toes snuggle up in the fold between my stomach and legs and her chubby hands finally cease their ceaseless day movement to tuck against my breast and finally relax. These sensations--touch and smell--are prime, I rarely hear her quiet breathe and even at a year I still stop and reach for her, checking for the rise and fall of her chest, making sure she still breathes. We lay together, relaxed as a litter of puppies falling asleep in a pile on a soft bed.
¶ 9:20 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
I am reading an incredible book called, Making a living without a Job, and it is just one of those books that hit you WOW...just what you need when you read it. It is so inspirational, helpful and well written, I keep thinking why didn't I find this sooner...but you know what, it wouldn't have meant as much sooner in my life. I'm ready for it now. I swear, the ideas for "profit centers", Barbara Winters term in the book for the large and small profit making ventures in your life, just keep flowing and flowing. There is no way I'd ever be able to implement even the good ones.
I wonder sometimes...will I really do this, or will this be an idea that comes and goes, like other "obsessions" in my past. In a way, I don't care either way...just being able to feel creative and Unlocked is so wonderful. Greg and I sit around in the evening and brainstorm ideas for our future, imagining where we might be, what we might do. Just to be open to doing something new is wonderful.
I was just looking through my groups on yahoo and noticed one of the poor neglected lists that I started myself. Womens_wisdom. I read through the purpose of the group:
In those of us who have made it our goal to constanstly
work in our lives for self improvement, there is a vast
depth of knowledge. I have been continually amazed at the
kindness, wisdom, and openness of other women that I have
met on email lists. I would like to create a place for us
to "meet" to share what is currently happening in our lives
trials, breakthroughs, mundane slogging through life--all
the little things we achieve in our journey. This list is
for sharing knowledge, favorite books, journal excerpts, poetry.
Vent anger, share kind gestures from strangers, find support for
the new excercise program, warnings about dangerous practices,
help to find resources...I hope to keep the group fairly small
so that we can develop a sense of community. There will
be some topic ideas provided, but mostly this group will
develop through member participation.
and thought, wow...what a wonderful idea for a group, LOL. Of course, the group matches in many ways what we already do on another list I'm a moderater on, Journal_women, I'm not sure why I felt such a need at one time to start my own. I think it must have been during a battle with the originator of this journal list.
Anyway, reading the description that I did of that group, I thought about how full circle my life has come recently. I've always been a person that seeks to grow spiritually, individually and I'm always striving to increase my knowledge. Themes come up over and over in my life and are temporarily forgotten. With all the recent changes and plans, these same things that I talked about in my group idea are once again becoming central themes--knowlege, good books, poetry, support.
¶ 3:00 PM 0 comments
I wonder sometimes...will I really do this, or will this be an idea that comes and goes, like other "obsessions" in my past. In a way, I don't care either way...just being able to feel creative and Unlocked is so wonderful. Greg and I sit around in the evening and brainstorm ideas for our future, imagining where we might be, what we might do. Just to be open to doing something new is wonderful.
I was just looking through my groups on yahoo and noticed one of the poor neglected lists that I started myself. Womens_wisdom. I read through the purpose of the group:
In those of us who have made it our goal to constanstly
work in our lives for self improvement, there is a vast
depth of knowledge. I have been continually amazed at the
kindness, wisdom, and openness of other women that I have
met on email lists. I would like to create a place for us
to "meet" to share what is currently happening in our lives
trials, breakthroughs, mundane slogging through life--all
the little things we achieve in our journey. This list is
for sharing knowledge, favorite books, journal excerpts, poetry.
Vent anger, share kind gestures from strangers, find support for
the new excercise program, warnings about dangerous practices,
help to find resources...I hope to keep the group fairly small
so that we can develop a sense of community. There will
be some topic ideas provided, but mostly this group will
develop through member participation.
and thought, wow...what a wonderful idea for a group, LOL. Of course, the group matches in many ways what we already do on another list I'm a moderater on, Journal_women, I'm not sure why I felt such a need at one time to start my own. I think it must have been during a battle with the originator of this journal list.
Anyway, reading the description that I did of that group, I thought about how full circle my life has come recently. I've always been a person that seeks to grow spiritually, individually and I'm always striving to increase my knowledge. Themes come up over and over in my life and are temporarily forgotten. With all the recent changes and plans, these same things that I talked about in my group idea are once again becoming central themes--knowlege, good books, poetry, support.
¶ 3:00 PM 0 comments
