The middle of the night is mother guilt time. Phoebe caught Greg’s cold and the night was pretty horrid. She struggles against sleep, won’t let Greg touch her (if he does, she throws up crying so hard) and all she wants are na-na’s (breast milk.). To top it all off, it is freezing in here. The RV only came with one battery and it just isn’t enough to run the furnace all night. In fact, after a couple days of trying to run it intermittently, the battery is hardly holding a charge. We tried not to let it go below 50% charge, but the furnace is just is too much for the thing. Mom guilt runs strong with a sick child and cold room. I want to tuck her all up and keep her warm and hydrated, and she will hardly even keep covers on. Another thing that’s been bothering me is how much Phoebe missed bath time. She goes to the door and says bubbles, bubbles. Things like that make me think that this is Greg and my fantasy—not necessarily hers. But then I wonder—isn’t it better to have mom around all the time than have daily bath time?

I started to wonder if it was a mistake—bringing her into this—far from heat, far from medical help. Ok—this is midnight talk—the fact is, it won’t always be cold and the med center is almost as close as home—just that 911 doesn’t work.

But in the middle of the night, that guilt runs strong and its hard not to turn it into anger and frustration, especially with Phoebe chewing the hell out of my nipple and intermittent shivering fits. My sleeping bag was warm, but she wont’ stay under it, so I ended up with cold little hands on my warm belly and half my body uncovered.

We went into town and bought a couple new batteries—no point in plugging in a better quality new one to the old, crappy one. That trip was both nice and frustrating. Greg felt like crap and was hardly speaking (not being rude, just quiet). The wind caught the truck door when I opened it and smashed into an SUV next to me, denting it. My moral resolve wasn’t strong enough to pay higher premiums and I didn’t leave my info—feeling guilty all day afterwards. The good part was having nice long hot showers at the hotel and letting Phoebe take a big, deep bubble-bath. Taking a nice bath will certainly improve your mood! And pizza with Indian food ;)—yes, good ol’ Sam’s Pizza, Subs, and Indian food!
  ¶ 4:40 AM 0 comments