Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Thoughts for the day
For a month or so, I've been enamoured with yahoo chat. I won't mention the type of rooms I frequent because this isn't that sort of blog, but suffice to say, I meet some interesting people, few of which I choose to interact with longer term (and no, I don't mean I cyber sex). Awhile ago, I met a man that is fun to talk to and I was chatting with him almost daily. Its a weird acquaintanceship as this guy originally was interested in me as a conquest, but I made it clear I'm in love and that's not what I was looking for and we went from there. After we had talked for a week or so, the guy mentioned his wife. Turns out, the guy is unabashedly married-he "loves" his wife and is staying with her, but he has been having affairs for 11 years now. When one is over, he sets about finding a new Mistress. He has "needs" his wife doesn't meet--he tried to discuss it and they ended up almost divorced and in councilling and then he was "cured"--which means he does it in secret now.
At first, this information was just sort of an aside...it isn't as if I'm having or interested in having and affair and I'm not cybering with this guy. As I've gotten to know the guy, I've learned more about him and his wife. The whole situation is so weird and sad and, in some twisted way, interesting in a psychological sense. I don't know why the fact of this guy chronically cheating on his wife didn't really bother me much in the beginning, but talking with him today, he off-handedly mentioned a brief phone/online cyber relationship that abruptly ended. Reading it, thinking about it just sickened me. It isn't as if I am a prude that imagines monogamous relationships for all, but it is the idea of the continual deception and cheating--I feel for his wife--the embarrassment, the indignity if she knew the extent of his lies. And I felt myself suddenly sickened and cheapened by my "friendship" with the man. Why am I associating with this person? What could it gain me? Other than some sort of taint on my soul, a twisting of karma--mellow dramatic wording but true. I think I told myself that because I am open with my disaproval of his cheating that somehow made it ok, but I am thinking it isn't.
What is it about some people that makes them enter into committed relationships with people and then cheat? I am a cheater--I've cheated on boyfriends...but I found a man that was more open about sexual relationships and married him. I made the decision to accept what I was and never hurt someone by secretly cheating. As it turns out, given the option of an open relationship, I find I don't need to stray...and if I did have some overwhelming need to have sex with another man or women...I'd just tell him. The worst thing I can imagine is dishonesty in our relationship...I wouldn't care if my husband slept with another woman, but to find out that he was lying and carrying on an affair, I'd be devestated.
But this guy, even when confronted and asked about the oddness of compartmentalizing and doing this--he doesn't see it. He's managed to make it "ok" in his mind, to the point that he offers advice to me about my husband, not understanding that despite his greater years in marriage, my husband and I have a totally different relationship--one I think is beyond his imagination. I don't think you can live in deception for that many years and not be warped.
¶ 1:46 PM
For a month or so, I've been enamoured with yahoo chat. I won't mention the type of rooms I frequent because this isn't that sort of blog, but suffice to say, I meet some interesting people, few of which I choose to interact with longer term (and no, I don't mean I cyber sex). Awhile ago, I met a man that is fun to talk to and I was chatting with him almost daily. Its a weird acquaintanceship as this guy originally was interested in me as a conquest, but I made it clear I'm in love and that's not what I was looking for and we went from there. After we had talked for a week or so, the guy mentioned his wife. Turns out, the guy is unabashedly married-he "loves" his wife and is staying with her, but he has been having affairs for 11 years now. When one is over, he sets about finding a new Mistress. He has "needs" his wife doesn't meet--he tried to discuss it and they ended up almost divorced and in councilling and then he was "cured"--which means he does it in secret now.
At first, this information was just sort of an aside...it isn't as if I'm having or interested in having and affair and I'm not cybering with this guy. As I've gotten to know the guy, I've learned more about him and his wife. The whole situation is so weird and sad and, in some twisted way, interesting in a psychological sense. I don't know why the fact of this guy chronically cheating on his wife didn't really bother me much in the beginning, but talking with him today, he off-handedly mentioned a brief phone/online cyber relationship that abruptly ended. Reading it, thinking about it just sickened me. It isn't as if I am a prude that imagines monogamous relationships for all, but it is the idea of the continual deception and cheating--I feel for his wife--the embarrassment, the indignity if she knew the extent of his lies. And I felt myself suddenly sickened and cheapened by my "friendship" with the man. Why am I associating with this person? What could it gain me? Other than some sort of taint on my soul, a twisting of karma--mellow dramatic wording but true. I think I told myself that because I am open with my disaproval of his cheating that somehow made it ok, but I am thinking it isn't.
What is it about some people that makes them enter into committed relationships with people and then cheat? I am a cheater--I've cheated on boyfriends...but I found a man that was more open about sexual relationships and married him. I made the decision to accept what I was and never hurt someone by secretly cheating. As it turns out, given the option of an open relationship, I find I don't need to stray...and if I did have some overwhelming need to have sex with another man or women...I'd just tell him. The worst thing I can imagine is dishonesty in our relationship...I wouldn't care if my husband slept with another woman, but to find out that he was lying and carrying on an affair, I'd be devestated.
But this guy, even when confronted and asked about the oddness of compartmentalizing and doing this--he doesn't see it. He's managed to make it "ok" in his mind, to the point that he offers advice to me about my husband, not understanding that despite his greater years in marriage, my husband and I have a totally different relationship--one I think is beyond his imagination. I don't think you can live in deception for that many years and not be warped.
¶ 1:46 PM
