I'm still trying to deal with the early miscarriage. I ran across some of the tests that I had stashed in my purse. One just made my heart jump into my throat because it was so clearly positive (they dry slightly darker than they are when you first take them, so you can see it so much better--the color of a true positive doesn't fade, it dries).

I feel like a fake or something--it isn't like it was physically painful--hell, I didn't even have a heavy period. I kept feeling sick for days--it was so extreme, I kept re-testing just to make sure that I hadn't had some weird pregnancy with a period thing, but no dice...I am truly not pregnant.

After dh found out I wasn't pregnant, he was "joking" about not wanting to try for another. this weekend, he could tell the whole experience was really bothering me and he said sincerely that if I wanted to try again, we could. Everything in me wants to try again right now...but at the same time, mentally I know that it isn't a good time. Making a baby can't be part of my normal obsession cycle--I get these crazy all consuming obsessions that last anywhere from one to two or three months (crochet, watercolor, drawing, disc golf...) well..some of them last longer. I feel like right now having a baby is one of those things because I can't stop looking at forums.

The thing is, I have a baby...that's what's so weird. Why is it so important to have another?? I mean, this doesn't end it forever..but whatever.

I can't write about this anymore right now.
  ¶ 3:07 PM