do your worries come true?

Our weekend was mostly a recovery weekend. Greg was so sick and exhausted that when I got home on Friday he was in tears. He cries, but rarely, so I knew he was at his limit. Him being so sad made me just feel ill about having been at work for so long, but of course, last week was the first week of my new agreement to work set hours and I felt I couldn't go home.

Saturday I was suposed to play in my first disc golf tournament since getting pregnant, but given that Greg was sick and I was just recovering from the same cold, I gave it a rest :) I felt so torn on Saturday morning. I knew staying home was the right decision but part of me resented it so much. I really wanted to play. I'm reading several books on Buddhism right now, so I could just see the resentment unfolding, my attachment to the whole vision of playing in the tournament playing its role in the anger/resentment I felt. I tried to just accept that sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't.

Sunday I took my dog Udo for a long walk, then went to the rescue guy's house to meet him and have him meet Udo. Watching Udo run around the park and play with the other dogs made me remember all over again why I wanted him so badly. He is such a beautiful dog--a large black shepherd that just loves to run. I ran through various senarios in my head all over again, trying to imagine a way to keep him and take him with us. I just imagined trying to find kennels in a hundred towns or not going on a hike or travelling to a particular place because we have a dog and I realized it just won't work, nor be fair to him. On the way over, I worried insessantly that the rescue guy would think he was too protective, vicious, that he wouldn't be able to find a home. I tried to do the excercise I had seen in my Buddhism for Moms book related to worry. While I thought of all the worries, I listed for myself the other possiblilites--he'd like him, he'd find a wonderful home, etc. It turned out that the rescue guy loved Udo. So much for worry.

I cried on the way home.

Today, a woman that I used to work with emailed and said she would really like to consider adopting Udo. She's coming over tonight to meet him. She has a big property and has always had big dogs--including huskies so she KNOWs what having a big dog entails. If this works out, it would be ideal for me. We'll see. It just goes to show though how much of a trap it can be to worry about things and get upset before you see what actually happens.

The realtor sent over our market analysis and I was floored by how much she wants to list the house for. Holy criminy it is more that I thought. I feel like I won the lottery, but of course, I shouldn't count my chickens before they are hatched (see note above--thinking ahead works both ways!) I am so grateful that we didn't count on this winfall and borrow against our equity giving us a whole bunch of debt to pay off. We have the small consolidation loan we made left to pay off, but that's it.

I think a lot about the joys and challenges of being on the road. I can almost smell and taste sitting by a campfire late at night. I look forward to seeing our cramped RV full of our stuff. I'm glad Greg and I are over our colds so that we can start packing things and sorting for sale.

The last passasge of my Cave in the Snow book that I read before leaving for work today talked about examples of Enlightened women in the past. One was presented as unusual for having had children, but she "wasn't attached and let them go their own way, sometimes leaving them with their father while doing long retreats". That type of thing confuses me about the desireability of getting rid of attachment. Sure, pain hurts when its happening, but joy feels good. If I can't be attached to my children, I'm not sure I want non-attachement. The whole non-attachment thing makes sense when it comes to worry about disc golf tournaments and re-homing your dog, but I don't want to just leave my husband if I have the need to go retreat and grow spiritually. Some things don't make sense about buddhism.

  ¶ 4:12 PM