Friday, August 15, 2003
8/13/03
The internet connection isn't working this morning. Odd, how you get used to a particular routine and it is so galling to have that routine broken. My whole life is about to be shaken up--changing jobs. I suppose, having just had a child, that should be the smallest of life changes, but it seems momentous. This last week of work is horrible and not bad at the same time. I hate having to be there, but at least my supervisors appear to have decided to let me go without confrontation. One thing I must say for this company is that they take people leaving well. No, huge ordeal and guards to watch you pack. No letters admonishing you that computer files are company property, warning you what you can and can not reveal about company secrets. I was so sad last night though. To have worked with people for almost 4 years and to have some of them act so completely uncaring is incredibly sad. All the peer staff is sad, of course. The senior management are silent. K was so supportive about my pregnancy and morning sickness. She's always been someone I can let my emotions out with a bit...when my sister died, when I'm just so tired and stressed out by work. To receive this silence now feels like a little betrayal. It is so difficult to not mix up business with friendship. You want to treat your co-workers like family, but at some level you can not allow it. At the same time, human nature makes those connections whether you like it or not. It feels like a betrayal to not be treated fairly by people you care about.
At the same time, part of me is feeling like this is entirely my failure. At some levels, I have to admit that I screwed up. Yes, B is a jerk and a horrible manager. Yes, the way they approached this problem is ludicrous. But what about the times that I wasn't the most attentive to projects? Could I have prevented this by biting off less when I knew I was pregnant? The excuses come readily...but they said they only required 40 hours a week, they allowed our backlog to get so incredibly crazy that no human could keep up with it, B wasn't doing anything to help and was sloughing off his work onto me, he was pulling my staff off projects right and left and I was even writing everything myself, the stuff I'm in trouble for happened over a year ago. Ok. so actually my reminding myself of my excuses actually is making me remember that this isn't all my own doing :) Anyway. The bottom line is what is done is done and all that remains is the future. I can make my future go anyway I want it to go. Clean slate. Hell, I've even choosen a company that basically ensures I don't even have to take any old clients with me.
But honestly, at some level I know that work is NOT the most important thing in my life and really, I don't want it to be. I look at Phoebe and G and think that they are the most important thing. Everything thing else is nothing. But at the same time, I think of the Buddhist tenet: right work. I should read about that again because its always bugged me. Right work--your work in life should be meaningful and good. I question that what I do is sometimes just make money and selling my soul to do so. I think that is one reason that I want to become a lawyer--because I can pick my battles when I start my career again. I think my new job will be good for me too--they work less for developers and more for cities and counties.
I keep drifting away from what I wanted to talk about. I know that I have a lot of talent. I'm bright. I can do most anything I set my mind to. But part of me is also pretty damn lazy. I get bored at work, I goof off. I've never really liked that about myself. But you know, it is me. I am not perfect. I have my limitations and drawbacks. And maybe that isn't a bad thing to admit. Maybe if I accept that about myself, it won't be so hard to avoid the fallout from that. Think about school--I got great grades in the hardest classes and poor grades in easy classes. I love challenge. I don't want to work overly hard, but I love challenge :0 That's a huge part of the reason law school became so appealing recently. I was incredibly bored with FA. The work part was the same thing over and over and the personnel issues were ludicrous. Who the hell cares to talk about how much of an idiot John is over and over when you have an absolutely precious baby at home. The idea of learning a whole new subject and increasing my knowledge, opening up new advenues was overwhelmingly appealing.
My new job will tie right into that. I have to learn a whole new skill set and just when I start getting comfortable with that, I'll be going into law school.
Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself? I'm dreading the commute. I have to get a new car. There is nothing else for it. I'm not driving in a vehicle that could breakdown anytime and is uncomfortable to boot. A commute could be nice--start listening to audio books or something. Meditate while driving. LOL. I know, it'll suck. But the job should offset it.
God, I'm going to miss the extra time with Phoebe though.
¶ 6:53 AM
The internet connection isn't working this morning. Odd, how you get used to a particular routine and it is so galling to have that routine broken. My whole life is about to be shaken up--changing jobs. I suppose, having just had a child, that should be the smallest of life changes, but it seems momentous. This last week of work is horrible and not bad at the same time. I hate having to be there, but at least my supervisors appear to have decided to let me go without confrontation. One thing I must say for this company is that they take people leaving well. No, huge ordeal and guards to watch you pack. No letters admonishing you that computer files are company property, warning you what you can and can not reveal about company secrets. I was so sad last night though. To have worked with people for almost 4 years and to have some of them act so completely uncaring is incredibly sad. All the peer staff is sad, of course. The senior management are silent. K was so supportive about my pregnancy and morning sickness. She's always been someone I can let my emotions out with a bit...when my sister died, when I'm just so tired and stressed out by work. To receive this silence now feels like a little betrayal. It is so difficult to not mix up business with friendship. You want to treat your co-workers like family, but at some level you can not allow it. At the same time, human nature makes those connections whether you like it or not. It feels like a betrayal to not be treated fairly by people you care about.
At the same time, part of me is feeling like this is entirely my failure. At some levels, I have to admit that I screwed up. Yes, B is a jerk and a horrible manager. Yes, the way they approached this problem is ludicrous. But what about the times that I wasn't the most attentive to projects? Could I have prevented this by biting off less when I knew I was pregnant? The excuses come readily...but they said they only required 40 hours a week, they allowed our backlog to get so incredibly crazy that no human could keep up with it, B wasn't doing anything to help and was sloughing off his work onto me, he was pulling my staff off projects right and left and I was even writing everything myself, the stuff I'm in trouble for happened over a year ago. Ok. so actually my reminding myself of my excuses actually is making me remember that this isn't all my own doing :) Anyway. The bottom line is what is done is done and all that remains is the future. I can make my future go anyway I want it to go. Clean slate. Hell, I've even choosen a company that basically ensures I don't even have to take any old clients with me.
But honestly, at some level I know that work is NOT the most important thing in my life and really, I don't want it to be. I look at Phoebe and G and think that they are the most important thing. Everything thing else is nothing. But at the same time, I think of the Buddhist tenet: right work. I should read about that again because its always bugged me. Right work--your work in life should be meaningful and good. I question that what I do is sometimes just make money and selling my soul to do so. I think that is one reason that I want to become a lawyer--because I can pick my battles when I start my career again. I think my new job will be good for me too--they work less for developers and more for cities and counties.
I keep drifting away from what I wanted to talk about. I know that I have a lot of talent. I'm bright. I can do most anything I set my mind to. But part of me is also pretty damn lazy. I get bored at work, I goof off. I've never really liked that about myself. But you know, it is me. I am not perfect. I have my limitations and drawbacks. And maybe that isn't a bad thing to admit. Maybe if I accept that about myself, it won't be so hard to avoid the fallout from that. Think about school--I got great grades in the hardest classes and poor grades in easy classes. I love challenge. I don't want to work overly hard, but I love challenge :0 That's a huge part of the reason law school became so appealing recently. I was incredibly bored with FA. The work part was the same thing over and over and the personnel issues were ludicrous. Who the hell cares to talk about how much of an idiot John is over and over when you have an absolutely precious baby at home. The idea of learning a whole new subject and increasing my knowledge, opening up new advenues was overwhelmingly appealing.
My new job will tie right into that. I have to learn a whole new skill set and just when I start getting comfortable with that, I'll be going into law school.
Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself? I'm dreading the commute. I have to get a new car. There is nothing else for it. I'm not driving in a vehicle that could breakdown anytime and is uncomfortable to boot. A commute could be nice--start listening to audio books or something. Meditate while driving. LOL. I know, it'll suck. But the job should offset it.
God, I'm going to miss the extra time with Phoebe though.
¶ 6:53 AM
