poetry

(not yet finished)

A month in days

1.

New day, new year, new life!
Wild conductors, the oaks spread their wiry hair.
They snap crooked fingers--Sing!
Birds flutter and draw near, flick-lick their dainty feathers
and throw back miniature heads in orchestral song
Love you! Love me!
Everything ahead, nothing behind!
Dogs pee on posts and sniff the butts of bitches
Tom's crinkle their noses at the scent of their queens


Books!
I have books to read,
Pages to fill with beautiful words,
Computer screens to kiss!
I will train for marathons,
I will make sleek muscles of my thighs.
I will decorate my nipples with hoops of gold and diamonds drops--
Men will lick my toes, drink my bathwater
Love me and no other!


Life!
Life is me!




28.


My nights are peopled with nightmares.
Hidden fears spin out and color the walls with black crows
By day my swallowed hurts will be thrown up for the world to see
I won't be able to control my body
Hyperventilating in company meetings, panic sniffing at my tail


I wake sweating
Dream you? Dream me?
I whimper
Absently my husband pats my head
Good girl, wake up, sleep quiet


In the morning I want to sever my head from my body


Fuck you body
You betray me.


I want to throw the betraying body away
My brain would never tell me
I'm trying to do too much


The world spins round in crazy psychedelic circles
nausea, pain pulses
blood drips on the floor, creeps up the walls to the ceiling
fat drops rain on my head
I mop up the walls with tampons
I remove the stains with tears
the blood empties me
I'm cold.


I fill the bathtub with boiling water
to make a cup of tea
I immerse myself
but heat barely touches me


My eggs don't hatch babies
knives grow inside me.
Each time they kick I hurt.
I try and shit out
the pain in my belly and back,
the pain attached to my spine,
but there's nothing inside but vomit and bile.
My body is turning itself inside out.
I reach inside deep and rip out my uterus
laying it beside me
I watch it pulsing,
slowly dissolving.


I make a soup of aspirin
Shoot up with Midol
Sip it up, sweet
Drink
give me back my life.
  ¶ 3:17 PM